SOMETIMES

Sometimes I beg the silence to rip apart itself
to let me speak to you,shout on you,scream
it could have made me feel better...
I loved you, damn hell, I loved you;but its not that

Its ofcourse not an obligation for you to love me
but you knew me, you knew me well
We had spent quite some time together
shared some moments intimate to me
which now you dont just remember
Once I saw that expression in your eyes
which for me is beyond any verdict
as undifferentiable as life and and an endless dream
A desire it was in your unforgettable eyes
wanting me to hold you, hug you, possess you
You felt unafraid of anything and everything.

I didn't speak my emotions
but they didn't go unexpressed
for you acknowledged my acceptance of your admittance
with your cursory look down my soul.
Now that you have falllen in love with someone
I dont say its right or wrong
for who am I to say that
if I was never the one you loved.

Its just that you neither had time enough
nor any emotions for my share
5 min, 5 min and it was all over
for those 5 min I was completely soaked in your voice
Yes, the voice was familiar but words unfamiliar
5 min and my dreams, fantasies
all came rolling down the ground
but its not just the dreams that go futile
its my existence, my thoughts; a part of my soul.

Sometimes, I see you in silence and darkness
sitting beside me helping me figure out my existence
But its just that I forgot that you forgot me

Sometimes, I just want that silence to pervade
I want to lose myself, dissolve into its darkness
it brings me a feeling very familiar
and helps me avoid a feeling very familiar.

Sometimes, I sketch my heart on paper
Sometimes, I write what I read not
Sometimes, I express what I speak not
Sometimes, I pray that you will be back
Sometimes, I pray that I will give up this prayer...
Sometimes, my heart begs to cry out
that if it were to happen the way it did
you could have made it easier for me.

DESTINY MATRIX DECODED

Oxford dictionary says ‘destiny’ is the ‘pre-determined course of events’ that happens in one’s life. The destiny, or as I prefer to call ‘the elf-destiny’, is not just any other force, its an innate part of human nature. It reminds of our limitations, that there are certain things in our life that how muchsoever we crave for, we can neither deny them nor change them. It makes us feel how humane we are, how helpless we can feel at times. It is these essential things which I assume to be controlled by the ‘elf-destiny’. Its right there in your life, ever since your birth constantly sequencing the events in your life so that you can be what you were destined for. I also believe that whatever decisions it takes are more suitable than those which might have been taken by us as we might have a tendency to safeguard our personal ends compromising on our inner ends. The ‘elf-destiny’ is aware of both the ends- the source and the result so it can work about the path between with a greater accuracy .If you could just ever peep into the diary of the ‘elf-destiny’, you would know the reasons behind some very painful incidents of your life and there shall be no more laments. But the only flaw is that only a few lucky handful people can have that insight and propel them in the direction decided by the elf-destiny rather than trying to change this very direction. Things are much more acceptable if you let them loose, allow the winds of time to fly away the sands on your palm, you would be surprised to see that you will be left with enough sand to carve some dreams and some memories…its just that we are so adamant about some things that we want them at all cost….its an unending surge which breaks only where it was destined to, you realize that you were not destined for it….so you just prolong your agony, the two ends always remain the same. In other words, you just delay the end, attempting to enjoy the joy instantaneously but losing it to the ‘fear of losing’. Your life is like an encrypted matrix to which many solutions hold thus leaving enough scope for you to prove your mettle but you must abide by certain basic rules rather than engage yourself in challenging them in futility. There lies a ‘Neo’ in each of you, the only thing required is to accept some limitations to unleash the enormous power often captive in your dreams. So, weave your own solutions to this matrix, enjoy the pervasion of your soul, do not make unnecessary demarcations between truth and dreams for often the two are intertwined and let the decisions of the ‘elf-destiny’ suffice for often its not the destination but the path you have traveled that brings you the glory, the joy. Who knows when it decides to reveal its plan to you which one day it always does, you may find some most soothing explanations for your pains and their role in helping you achieve your solution!